I've decided to take a trip.
It started out as a solo trip but I'm dragging the family along as well praying they'll enjoy it, and bring home so wonderful souvenirs too.
Lately I've been feeling frustrated, antsy, on edge. Its been like I'm grasping something just out of reach. Do you know that feeling? Your right there, stretching, reaching, you can almost touch it, fingertips are grazing the edge of it and, and, and, . . . nothing. Then last week I saw a pin on the all consuming, ever addicting Pinterest that showed a very sad picture, had a sadder description and at the bottom of it said something like, "God please break my heart for what breaks Yours". The pin was heartbreaking, it left me with feelings of guilt about my wastefulness, heartache for those who have less then nothing and exactly what you would expect one to feel.
"God break my heart for what breaks Yours". This stuck with me. At first I thought about the typical things that anyone would think about after seeing that especially at this time of year. I felt a little glutinous, materialistic, selfish. I was ready to sell it all, set out and serve however God said to! Then real life intruded and I thought OK I cant sell out and do whatever but ,
what can I do?
What am I suppose to be doing?
What am I missing?
Stretching, reaching, still not grasping anything.
So very frustrated!!!
I just wanted to scream!
In my head I'm yelling at God, crying out to Him in frustration
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!! JUST TELL ME!!"
Let me suggest something to you, do not yell to or at God unless your ready for him to be blunt with you. If you have kids or deal with kids or deal with adults that act like kids then you know that moment when you move from holding on to nice and just tell them what's what with no sugar coating. It's not painful but it's not really pleasant either, but then the truth rarely is!
God broke my heart for what was breaking His.
I was breaking His heart.
My lack of everything was breaking His heart. God showed me that my feelings of frustration were His. I'm right there in my walk, so close but just, . . . He's reaching, stretching, frustrated, so close, just grazing the edge of me with the tips of His fingers then, . . . nothing.
I have been leaving God with nothing.
So I'm taking a journey, a spiritual journey. I'm making an effort to lay on my face daily before God, to seek Him in each moment, to look for ALL opportunities to be His hands and feet, to teach my children to do the same. I'll seek His word, will, and heart daily. No longer lip service. We're going to experience true service and less serv"us". I know I'm going to mess up. I know I'll miss step. I know more then once on this trip He will look at me and say "Angela!! Really???" and that's OK. I'm not Jesus so He knows I'm not perfect. I'm not suppose to be.
I've decided to take you on this trip with me. God showed me that when I share my mistakes and His victories that He is glorified. So pack a bag and enjoy the ride!