You know its one thing to know that God is good but its a whole different ball game when you KNOW God is good! Our church is doing the "cardboard testimonies for Thanksgiving. When they were talking about this I was thinking "Wow this sounds very interesting but I don't really have a testimony." Well the past few weeks the Lord has been reminding that I do. I've sold myself the whitewashed version for so long that I forget the dirty truth. I realize now that this is not only a disservice to me but I'm forsaking God by doing that. For so long I was content to live with, I was saved as a young girl. My parents divorced and we drifted away from the church. When I was older I went with friends here and there. When I met Dean I started going to church with him and as I have gotten older I have renewed my relationship with God and here I am.
Well all of that is true but by not acknowledging the struggles in between I'm not giving God His glory. Let me tell you here and now He has a LOT of glory coming to Him. As I think back I am amazed that I'm not so many things, married to an abusive husband, an alcoholic, drug addict, abusive parent, the list goes on. How I'm not completely screwed up would be beyond me if I didn't know that its only by the love of my God and his grace that I'm not. (those of you thinking "Wait does she think she's normal?" hush! I'll deal with you later!)
As an adult I can see my past with grown up eyes. As a walking with Jesus christian I can see it through His eyes. I can't regret or hate my past, with out it I wouldn't be where I am right now and let me say I love it here. Had things changed I wouldn't have my husband (who I know God created especially for me) or my children. I don't hate those that have hurt me. I pity them and pray for them. I feel so very sorry for them because they still don't have the trust and strength and peace in having a personal relationship with Jesus. I don't know if they are truly saved, they say yes but who knows besides them and the Lord. I do know they don't have a personal walk with Him.
As an adult I can see what happened in black and white. I know why they did the things they did. I read an article by Julie Clinton about forgiveness a while back. She said that forgiving isn't forgetting. Its not possible for us as humans to forget the wrongs done to us but we do have to forgive them. That doesn't mean not having feelings about those things or letting those people freely hurt you again. It means knowing, understanding, letting the blame go and trusting that God has it all under control. I still get angry about the things that happened in my life but in an abstract kinda way. Its my life, the one God blessed me with I can't change the past. I can accept it see it for what it is and give God the glory He deserves for delivering me from it. He strengthens me. I know that I am so blessed. God guided me through choices that saved me and brought me here. There are so many who haven't accepted his strength and are still struggling with their abuse. Let me just say its not easy, its not clean, and its not painless but if you will simply let it out and give it wholly to God he will pick you up, wash you off and heal you. Then you can have all you need through Him.